FB: Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletic Conference

[finsleft]

Some advice...

The 5 questions most feared by men
   
    1.     What are you thinking about?
    2.     Do you love me?
    3.     Do I look fat?
    4.     Do you think she is prettier than me?
    5. What would you do if I died?
   
    What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
    guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
    incorrectly (i.e.,tells the truth).  Therefore, as a public service,
     each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
   
        Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
    The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry, I was just
    reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent
    woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response
    obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
    likely is one of the following:
    a.     Baseball.
    b.     Football.
    c.     How fat you are.
    d.     How much prettier she is than you.
    e.     How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
   
   
    Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy,
    who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I
    would be talking to you!"
   
    Question # 2: Do you love me?
    The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed
    answer is in order, "Yes, dear."  Inappropriate responses include:
    a.     Oh Yeah, **** loads.
    b.     Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
    c.     That depends on what you mean by love.
    d.     Does it matter?
    e.     Who, me?
   
    Question # 3:  Do I look fat?
    The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"  Among the
    incorrect answers are:
    a.     Compared to what?
    b.     I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
    c.     A little extra weight looks good on you.
    d.     I've seen fatter.
    e.     Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking
           about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
   
    Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
    Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
    Incorrect responses include:
    a.     Yes, but you have a better personality
    b.     Not prettier, but definitely thinner
    c.     Not as pretty as you when you were her age
    d.     Define pretty
    e.     Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about
            how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
   
    Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite
    no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette
    and a Boat") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at
    least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
   
    WOMAN:  Would you get married again?
    MAN:    Definitely not!
    WOMAN:  Why not-don't you like being married?
    MAN:    Of course I do.
    WOMAN:  Then why wouldn't you remarry?
    MAN:    Okay, I'd get married again.
    WOMAN:  You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) Would you
                     sleep with her in our bed?
    MAN:    Where else would we sleep?
    WOMAN:  Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
                     pictures of her?
    MAN:    That would seem like the proper thing to do.
    WOMAN:  And would you let her use my golf clubs?
    MAN:    She can't use them; she's left-handed
    WOMAN:  - - - silence - - -
    MAN:    ****.

[BDB]

fins, too outstanding for words!  +1k

[tmerton]

WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE

RELATIONSHIPS:
First of all, a man does not call it a relationship - he refers to it
as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi- regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots."  Then she will get on with her life.  A man has a little more
trouble letting go.  Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m.  on a
Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know
you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're
a total floozy.  But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made it at least once.  There are community
colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay.
Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

GOING OUT:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting
on her makeup...

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on
TV.  One of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says, "Oh,
gee.  That must have hurt."  The man groans and doubles over, and
actually FEELS the pain.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were
hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is
finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out,
rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a
myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the
ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

EATING OUT: ..  and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack
will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None
of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back.  When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
calculators.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football, and women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know
football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate
stories about women.  Women talk about one thing in the locker room -sex.
And not in abstract terms, either.  They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.

MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene.  This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. 

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the
football games's just got five minutes left.  Neither of them is
counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

[finsleft]

Is this a picture of TDT and some of his buds in Florida enjoying the Alberto storm water?

[Buckman]

Fins, question #3 reminded me of a story Mr. C told about him and his wife.  Now he told it at work, so I'm assuming he was sober, however, I'm not sure if he was sober at the time of the incident.  The story goes that they were walking around the mall and they saw a large woman with a yellow coat on walk past.  Mrs. C asks the question "Do you think I look like her?".  Mr. C's alleged response was "Of course not.  Your coat is red."

[finsleft]

Fins, question #3 reminded me of a story Mr. C told about him and his wife.  Now he told it at work, so I'm assuming he was sober, however, I'm not sure if he was sober at the time of the incident.  The story goes that they were walking around the mall and they saw a large woman with a yellow coat on walk past.  Mrs. C asks the question "Do you think I look like her?".  Mr. C's alleged response was "Of course not.  Your coat is red."

Buckman, that's hilarious! I can hear that rolling right out of his mouth. HA!

[Johnnie Red]

One more reason why everyone should consider moving to Chaska! Last Friday night at the Chaska High School graduation ceremony at Grace Church in Eden Prairie, there were a number of the female graduates who brought in beach balls to the church. This caused some suspicion on the part of the administrators present.

Lo and behold, it was discovered that a number of the female students had on a bikini underneath their graduation gowns and nothing else. They were directed to change and put some clothes on or they would not be welcome at the graduation ceremony.

Rumor has it that TDT tried something comparable to this when he graduated from SJU.

[Kilted Rat]

Rumor has it that TDT tried something comparable to this when he graduated from SJU.

That rumor is entirely false, TDT never graduated from SJU, the diploma displayed in his office is a copy of his mom's CSB diploma with her name whited out and his name written in.

[samwill47sju]

Blue Devil Bob:

Thanks for the traffic updates last Friday...first time I have ever had to abort a mission.  127 miles round trip...anything you can do for me on the gas prices?  Went back up early Saturday and breezed right through!

Johnnie Red...you weren't sitting under the bleachers at Chaska for graduation were you? 

[Johnnie Red]

Samwill, no, I was not sitting under the bleachers. I would have been driving back from the state track and field meet at Hamline around that time. Great facility, even if it is the home of the Pipers. I got to hand out medals and trophies at the meet, which is always a great experience.

[finsleft]

Check out the new google commercial...

[johnnyadmit]

Samwill, no, I was not sitting under the bleachers. I would have been driving back from the state track and field meet at Hamline around that time. Great facility, even if it is the home of the Pipers. I got to hand out medals and trophies at the meet, which is always a great experience.

I shared your feelings on the venue.  The field and the new track are great, and the whole works actually looks pretty sharp-too bad it's Hamline! 

[tmerton]

Frank, a furniture dealer from Milwaukee, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.  After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.  As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.  He smiled and nodded and she sat down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.

She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.  After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.  They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.  They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.  She nodded, and they got up to dance.  They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Frank has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[Kilted Rat]

Potentially stupid question of the day:

Football coaches, scouts and commentators always talk about players having or lacking "intangibles."

This has always confused me since intangibles supposedly cannot be measured and no one can describe them, yet players need to have them and coaches look for them.

Maybe I've been in med school too long and have forgotten how to think in the real world, does this make sense to anyone else?

[Kilted Rat]

Ok, screw intangibles, new question:


Where had this power been for the Twins all season?

Ditto Radke's ability to pitch like a #2 starter?

Final question:
What are the odds Kubel has more RBI's this series than the Red Sox? (It's currently 6-3 Kubel).